What I say when someone asks me if I wake up to butterflies and rainbows...
I was out to dinner with an friend that I have not seen for a while and we were looking at the menus and she looks up from her menu and asked "Do you just get up and see butterflies and rainbows?"
Ummm.... as I slowly lower my menu, look around with wonder and question and reply back, "What the hell are you talking about?"
She said it again? I replied, "Wait, we are not even talking about me?" She replied "You keep saying the say response, where does it belong?" "What is it's value to you?" She went on to say "I am not sure if I am afraid of you like you are a wizard or if you really have come this far, hello! I am talking about the same person that hurt you all those years ago and you are unaffected?!"
I replied with my half smile and a glimmer in my eye. "Forgiveness"
So I get this a lot, how are you so happy all the time. I would not say that each day I do not face the same type of experiences I had before I started this journey, but I would say each experience I'm presented with, I find a place for it. Right away.
Before I can tell you how I live each day now, I have to describe how it was before I started my journey.
I would struggle with issues, situations, people, my job the list goes on and on. I was a nice person but a lot of the times, I took a whole lot everything very personal. If someone was talking and they looked at me as I walked by and they stopped talking, I automatically assumed they were talking about me and then I played it it my head, what could they be talking about, did I do something to them and on and on. It was so exhausting. I was not that I took so much personal, I also felt as if I did something for someone they should be nice and help me when I need help in return. Boy oh boy, did that leave me super stuck in the mud... most of the time.
Most of what I was consumed about was how could family and friends be nothing like who you thought they were? Again I took it so personal, like it was about me.
I would say when I first, I mean very first learned about forgiveness, I tried to look back to my younger self and I thought she was so wrong, dumb, I also thought that she trusted people too much, it made me so mad at her!
Man! I judged a ton on this journey. That is not what this is about... What the *%#*$, I left that experience feeling worse.
It took a many more tires and sometimes, I only touched the surface. Unfortunately the surface is what got me here. All smiles, all the time.
Now is the time, I'm doing this again! I am going back down into the mud and I knew it would not be easy, but all these other tries.... ugh!
I just had to do it, so one night when everyone was busy in the house I went into the spare room and I was ready. Deep down I was going to go into my mud and I was bringing forgiveness with me as my light.
I had no idea, I was doing this for over an hour. I saw that young me, so upset that I even called her names, so broken that I was still holding on to bad thoughts, feeling worthless and alone, but everything else had a place?!?
I can only describe it as a string of lights. All of my other experiences were glowing brightly in their sockets and the ones that were not, their bulb was broken and they had no place to settle into to.
First I had to find what made the other lights stay in the socket? Once I figured that out, I went on to figure how I could use that information to put these experiences in a socket that would not effect me in a negative way.
OH....You are not kidding.... it was some hard work. But with hard work comes amazing, freeing results.
It was only until that point that I was able to have the compassion for my younger self. It seemed that each time I would address, forgive, acknowledge and learn from each experience, they found a way into a socket. This was getting easier to manage.
I was free!!!
Many times I visited this place, each time I was brighter inside, each time I was more compassionate and understanding and forgiving. These qualities grew stronger, each experience got easier. One day I woke up and I was aware.
I still have experiences that are out of my control. Maybe someone cuts me off, or someone is having a bad day and yells at me, or when I help someone, I know that it may not come back from them, but it will come back.
I know that I love myself too much to continue to punish the old me. She did the best she could with what she had. I love her for that. I don't take things personal and if something does stick, because sometimes it does, I go back down and find a place for it.
So when someone asks me, do you wake up with butterflies and rainbows around you? I answer, no, I wake up, put my shield on, meditate, write a blog, have a cup of coffee, take a shower, be thankful I can do this all and then off to the world I go. I do the best I can everyday. I spent too many days down in the dirt getting all of my shit together, there is no way I will mess it up now.
Be free, enjoy what is around you.
Namaste my friends